Broken
by torichtmond
Summary: Amanda was attacked. Rafael and she are trying to deal together with what happened. And will they catch the rapists?
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own the characters. **

**Thanks to grassysvu67. Cragen is still a member of the squad. **

First Chapter

_Part I_

"What the hell happened" Rafael asks as he rushes into the hospital. Liv, Cragen, Amaro and Fin are already standing there.

"We don't know for sure yet. The doctor will speak to us in a minute." Cragen answers. Just as if the doctor had waited for the signal, she shows up.

"What can you tell us, Doc?"

"Detective Rollins has multiple hematoma all over her body. I'm going to do the last part of the rape kit now, but she needs a couple of minutes to calm down."

"Rape kit?" Rafaels voice cracks. The squad had known that he and Amanda had been a couple for months despite their best efforts to try to keep it a secret.

But who are they kidding, their colleagues are detectives, of course they know.

"Can I talk to her?" Liv asks the doctor. Amanda's doctor agrees.

"Maybe it is better for now, when you wait here, Barba," Liv suggests. He just nods and tries to pull himself together.

Liv knocks on the door and enters. Rollins is sitting on the examination table with the standard gown, covered with bruises.

As Liv carefully sits beside her she starts: "Hey…do you wanna tell me what happened?"

Staring down and biting her lips she just replies: "I really can't. Just leave me alone, okay."

"I know this is hard but-"

"Don't start with this damn phrases, okay? I say that to victims all the time, too, and you know what? It doesn't help. Now leave!" Her voice breaks and her eyes start to fill with tears.

"Amanda, I'm sorry. But you also know that holding it back doesn't make it go away. So please tell me what happened."

They are silence for two whole minutes.

"It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I'm a trained detective, I'm supposed to defend myself, for god's sake…but they…I couldn't…it happened so fast. And it were four of them…If I just had-"

"Stop blaming yourself. You didn't have a chance. Not even the best detective could have defend himself against four men."

The doctor comes in. "Are you ready? Detective Benson can stay if you want."

"Let's just get it over with." Amanda says as she lies down.

First, she tries to be strong but then it starts to hurt so much that she grabs Liv's hand and flinches at every touch.

"I'm almost done, you're doing a great job", the doctor reassures her.

It is painful, long-lasting, and so humiliating.

Finally the Doctor finishes and tells her she would bring her some new clothes.

Amanda still feels like in trance and later won't even remember how she got dressed. In the meantime, Liv tells Cragen, Fin and Amaro that it'd be probably the best when they'd leave. "She will probably talk tomorrow to us to give us her statement, she's too traumatized right now."

"How is she holding up?" Rafael asks.

"Well…Considering what she went through…"

"What _did_ she went through?"

Liv shakes her head but Barba pushes, "Tell me. I just need to know! I know her, she'll try to block everything out and she won't tell me."

"Then that' her decision…I don't even know anything yet, I just helped her get through with the exam so we didn't talk much…I just know it were four men who attacked her."

"_Four_?"

Before Liv can respond, Amanda comes out of the room looking pretty bad. Half of her face is swollen now and her bruises turned purplish-yellow. Barba gasps, swallows hard and tries to get his confidence back that he wouldn't make her feel even more uncomfortable.

"Can I stay at your place tonight?" Amanda asks him. She can't look him in the eyes.

"Sure you can. Let's go." He touches Livs shoulder for a goodbye and wants to lay his arm around Amanda but then holds back. He doesn't want to trigger or hurt her in any way.

_Part II_

As we walk into Rafaels apartment I immediately rush to the bathroom. All I need now was a hot shower. I close the door behind me and turn on the shower to get it really hot while I try to get out of my clothes. I've got out of the sweat pants but my body starts to shiver uncontrollable just standing there half naked.

Struggling, I try to get rid of my pullover but my arms tangle and I feel panic and anger filling me.

The water steams up the whole bathroom now because of the hotness. Sweat running down my back I just let me fall down on the hard floor and try to not scream. Then I hear a knocking.

"Can I come in?"

I don't answer. Maybe Rafael worries what I would do to me all by myself in here and slowly opens the door anyway. I bury my face in my hands; I can't bear the look on his face as he sees me, sitting here so helpless.

He clears his throat and pretends not to notice how screwed up everything is. He always has been solid as a rock.

"Maybe I should leave the door open so we can breathe in here." he suggests.

But I still can't react. I have the feeling if I would look at him I would allow myself to break. And I always had been a strong independent woman who rarely shows weakness. But I'm not worried about my image in front of Rafael, I'm afraid that I can't stop once I let myself break. And feel. And deal. And think.

Rafael sits beside me, conscious not touching me or getting too close.

"Amanda. Do you need help?" I grit my teeth, trying to focus on the sound of the pouring water.

"Amanda, _please_, look at me!" I take a deep breath and finally look up. The heat made my swollen side of my face worse and his horror is reflected in his eyes. Immediately I look away, trying to get out of my pullover again. He sees my pathetic struggling and insists now: "Let me help you now. Alright, put your hands up I'm going to pull now."

I'm not prepared for this feeling, standing there only in underpants now. It is like my brain had shut down to a slower motion, I can't foresee the smallest consequences. Of course I'm almost naked now, what was I thinking? Rafael already saw me a hundred times naked but this was different. I'm exposed now, my body had been violated. I feel so vulnerable that I shiver even more. Trying to cover my body I speak my first words after we left the hospital to him: "Could…could you leave? I really need to take that damn shower now, I feel so dirty. Please, go now!"

He leaves the door ajar. My skin is so itchy. The water burns so much that I bit my tongue while I try not to scream.

I try to ease every body part after another, first I numb it and then I massage it. _Do not think. Breathe. In. And out. And in again. And out._ That is my mantra.

Then I hold the douche between my legs until I can't take it anymore. Soaping every inch of my body is almost obsessively.

The only part of my body unwashed now is my head. I'm too afraid to close my eyes to let the water rinse over my hair and face. If I close my eyes, pictures would come. Those men would somehow come into the bathroom and grab me while I'm not paying attention. Even if it is irrational I can't risk that. There is only one solution.

"Rafael?" He appears within two seconds. "Could you…just stand there and watch the door?"

He frowns but nods and turns around.

_Alright now. Rafael is protecting you. So get the hell your head clean._

My swollen side burns even more now with that hot water but I don't really care about the pain anymore. I shampoo my hair as quickly as I can.

Probably I'm in the shower for over 45 minutes now. It gets exhausting to stand and to focus. But I don't feel clean yet either. So I soap my body again. And again.

"Amanda? Don't you think it is enough now?" He is still facing the door.

I wonder what time it is so I turn off the shower and ask him.

"After midnight. But that's alright. You can sleep in tomorrow, as long as you want."

_Yeah, THAT is my concern. _

"Stay like this, Rafael. I'm coming out now."

"I'll go get your pajamas."

"Uhm…don't forget clean underwear." The hospital gave me new ones but I never want to wear them again.

_Okay. Getting out of the shower. Step by step. Open the door. Grab a towel and step slowly outside. Don't slip. _I instruct myself and I'm amazed how good my technique works. Doing things step by step and focusing on these little steps is extremely helpful to not lose your mind.

Rafael comes back in as I wrap myself into the towel. I grab the clothes in his hands and rush into the bedroom to dress.

My whole body is numb and so heavy. I just want to crawl under the blanket and sleep forever and when I wake up, everything would have been just a dream.

"I made you some tea. I'm sorry it is cold by now." Rafael says as he gives me the mug. I crack a smile and put my lips on the edge of it._ The last thing you had in your mouth was your rapists penis. _I choke and start to cough hardly.

"I'm alright, it's nothing" I press out and catch my breath. "Maybe I'll take some tea later."

Exhausted I lie down in bed and reach for the blanket.

Rafael wants to leave, he probably thinks I want nobody near me. But I actually feel very unsecure so I ask him to stay. He lies down beside me and we are silently facing each other, well knowing that it will never be like before. That my- _our_- world got destroyed.

I can see the pain in his face. It is killing me to see how he is hurting. I can feel myself slipping.

"Stop playing tough, Amanda. If you don't let it out…then you will implode."

His arm reaches for my cheek now. As he touches me I flinch, but Rafael starts gently stroking it with his fingers so I calm down. I thought I could never let me touch somebody again but it feels nice. His skin is soft and cool and makes me feel safe.

All that, the soft blanket his gentle touch and the comforting lying there, makes me cry. I just lay there, with no noise, tears streaming down my face. Rafael comes closer to me. "It's alright. Everything is going to be alright" he whispers. I want to believe that so much but I can't. I feel broken and used and so ashamed so his words make me cry so hard that I sob. He pulls me to him, laying his arm around me. For a second, I panic. But then I inhale his smell and feel his hand stroking my back and I feel safe again. I press my face against his chest and wet him but he doesn't seem to notice.

Rafael holds me very tight but loving but I just can't fall asleep. Every time I close my eyes I hear the voices of those monsters and feel their hands on my body.

The clock shows 3.30am now. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I start to cry again. Rafael who has been awake the whole time hears my cries.

"You have to get some sleep. I promise I'll stay awake and watch out. I'll be right here and protect you, nobody can hurt you anymore. Just close your eyes and focus that I'm right here and I won't leave you."

Gently, he kisses away my tears.

Apparently my exhaustion won and I managed to fall asleep but only to be abruptly woken up at exact 7 o'clock. I can smell eggs and bacon. In the bathroom I look into the mirror and discover that my face looks even worse now. My whole body aches and it is painful to pee. I decide against another shower because of time issues. The captain is not the whole day in the squad on Saturdays and I want to give my statement to him.

At the kitchen table I can't get comfortable because it hurts down there to sit on the hard chair. I just grab a pillow which makes it better but it will probably take some days until I can sit without problems again.

Rafael luckily doesn't comment on the pillow thing and puts scrambled eggs and bacon on my plate. I try with something fluid first and I'm proud of myself that I can drink now without gagging. But when I chew on my egg I have a hard time not choking. Rafael watches me; he is worried. I want to explain but how do you explain to the person you love that you have a hard time eating because someone forced his penis in your mouth? That even your mouth can feel violated?

"It is not your eggs, it tastes good. I just…well…they forced me to…" I can't say it and stare on the kitchen counter, blushing.

"I understand," he quietly responses.

I lay down my fork.

"Rafael…do we have to go to the squad today? I'm not sure if I can do that."

"Well, you know that it is important to give the statement as soon as possible."

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant…do I have to press charges at all? I'm very sure that I won't get through all that. And I can't even identify those men."

I feel terrible while I say that because I burdened so many women- even kids and teenagers- with telling the story over and over again and going through a trial and now I'm too ashamed to do it myself.

Rafael pauses before responding; carefully thinking about what to say. I can sense he is angry and now I feel even worse

"Listen, Amanda, I actually want to see those monster dead. To be honest, I would beat the crap out of them if I'd met them on the street. How can you not want them to rot in jail?"

He is not angry at me but at the men; I'm relieved. And Rafael goes on:

"You will get through all of it, I will be there for you! And I would have never expected that _you_ would be afraid to face the process. But I can't imagine how you are feeling-"

"Exactly you _can't_! You have NO idea how it is, okay?" I storm off from the kitchen and agitated walk around in the bedroom. _How dares he pressure me so much!_ I start to punch the pillows as hard as I can until I'm winded. Feeling empty now, I make myself as small as possible and crawl under the blanket.

After a few minutes Rafael comes in and apologizes: "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I shouldn't have tried to convince you."

I sit up, a lot more settled now. "It's okay. We should leave now."

"But I thought…"

"Maybe you would be okay if I don't press charges, but we both know certain Detectives who would never let me get away with that." I try I grin.


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: This chapter includes a very graphic rape scene. Do not read if you can get triggered. **

Second Chapter

_Part I_

While they drive to the squad, Amanda stares out of the window.

"It's weird how life just goes on. Everything seems like nothing happened. People do what they are always doing. And I…" she doesn't finish the sentence.

Rafael doesn't know what to answer. He feels very helpless even if he could never admit it. Normally things go like he plans them but now he realizes he can't control everything. He couldn't even protect the woman he loves.

As they walk into the squad Amanda doesn't look up. She doesn't want to be recognized like this, with a swollen face and her loose fitting clothes. Rafael moves like a guard around her, opening doors and holding one of his hands protectively on her back.

Fin and Nick are the first one who notice the couple get in. Immediately they come over and ask Amanda how she is.

"I'm good, guys. Really." She even forces a smile. Rafael is impressed by her acting and clears his throat: "So uh…where's the rest of the team?"

"Cragen has to go to a really important meeting at 1PP. He couldn't cancel it, Amanda, sorry." Fin replies.

"Cragen is not here? But I wanted to give my statement to him!" Amanda answers desperate.

"Well, you could wait or come back later. He will get back in the late afternoon," suggests Nick.

Amanda has to think how everyone here would try to awkwardly talk to her. And she couldn't imagine managing to convince herself to come back here later.

"I guess I can just talk to Liv then." Amanda says tiredly.

Fin and Nick smile supportively and go back to their desks. Rafael gently squeezes Amandas shoulder and whispers "You're doing great" in her ear.

He needs coffee. Urgently. After last night, caffeine was his one saving grace.

"Do you want some?" he asks as he walks to the coffee machine. Amanda nods.

The moment Rafael gives her the cup of coffee, Olivia storms around the corner.

"Amanda, you're already here! Good. Why don't we go into the interrogation room?"

They had this special comfortable interrogation room here where interviewing the victims was a lot easier.

"Sure." Amanda says and turns to Rafael. "I'll see you in a bit, Rafael?" She swallows hard, she was visibly nervous.

"I'll wait right here. Take your time. And, Amanda, you can do that!" he assures her, kissing her on the forehead. She squeezes his hand as a sign of thanks before following Olivia in the other room.

Rafael looks behind her and wishes he could do more to make her feel better. He never had loved somebody like this before, so it hurts him so much to see Amanda like this. If he could, he would do anything to make her pain go away. But for now he just could wait. And get some rest. So he sits down and nips on his coffee. It is going to be a long day.

_Part II_

I try to get comfy on the sofa. My hands are shaking and my mouth is dry. This is going to be worse than I ever imagined. I hold my cup firmly.

"Alright. You know the procedure, Amanda, I need to know every detail. Take your time and just start with what you did after you left the precinct yesterday," Olivia said gently.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and think back to yesterday evening.

_Since we could leave early yesterday, I wanted to take advantage of it and went to the grocery story. Afterwards I went home and carried the stuff into my apartment. But I had to get back to my car because I left my purse in there. Suddenly I heard a scream coming from the alley next to my building. I went there to investigate even though I didn't have my gun on me because I left it in my apartment. And then there were suddenly two men standing in front of me and grinning at me. Before I could say or do something two other men grabbed me from behind._

_I had no chance against four men so I couldn't fight them off. I felt so helpless._

_I started screaming but one of them covered my mouth. Then they carried me around the corner, between two dumpsters. Nobody could have seen us now. One of them took out a knife and held it on my throat. He said he would kill me if I'd scream._

_The blade was cold on my skin. I was scared to death, they weren't kidding with their threat, and I knew that. _

_So I stopped screaming and fighting. They were mocking me, saying how weak I was, that I couldn't even defend myself as trained Detective._

_They called me slut and whore. And that I was a piece of shit and that I will suffer. _

_Then they pinned me down on the ground. Something was lying under me, poking into my back. The ground was cold and hard. One of them was holding my arms above my head now, one sat on my legs, one still held the knife and one was just standing there laughing._

_I've never felt so helpless before in my life._

_"You are not very smart attacking a Detective! All police officers in the city will hunt you down." I said trying to seem fearless. _

_"Sure, honey, when we're done with you, you will be glad if you even can tell anybody. You worthless bitch." _

_They laughed at me and one of them spit on me._

_I was breathing hard, thinking of something I could do. My cell was in my purse. Where was my purse? I must have lost it during the fight. Damn it._

_"So...let's get to the fun part" the one sitting on my legs said as he opened his pants. My heart was bouncing in my chest, about to explode._

_He had his penis out now. I wanted to look away and close my eyes, but I knew that I had to be present the whole time to be a good witness. _

_So I looked at it and saw a little skull tattoo just above his shaft. In my mind I was already collecting clues._

_He opened my jeans now. I started to panic, fighting hard now. I tried to roll over, to kick as hard as I could and I screamed again. The thought of letting them near me like that was unbearable. _

_But I still didn't have a chance. While two held my legs, the skull-man got my pants and underwear down. I was exposed now. I was humiliated and stopped fighting. _

_The skull-guy pushed into me and I screamed in pain. Every bounce felt like he tore me apart._

_ It didn't last long. _

_But knife-guy wanted to go next. _

_This time I closed my eyes and left my body. It felt like I was flying above the scene now trying to remember children songs and poems. I tried to remember how the beach feels under your feet when the waves swap over them. And how proud our parents were when Kim and I showed them the sandcastles we built._

_Knife-man finished but I couldn't move._

_The guy holding my arms wanted something different. So they sat me up. I realized what it was too late. His penis was in front of my mouth now. There was no way I would open it._

_He slapped me hard, grabbed my hair and held the knife against me. But my mistake was that I cried out "NO" as one of them punched me hard in my stomach. _

_That second I opened my mouth was enough and he was inside. I gagged but that didn't bother him. He started moving so I bit him. He screamed and got out of my mouth, cursing. _

_Coughing, I tried to not throw up._

_"That stupid little bitch bit me!"_

_They turned me over and pressed me against the ground again, laying on my belly now. I had a hard time breathing and I ached. They discussed what they would do to me now. They were angry at me for biting but they also lost a little of the fun. I couldn't really follow their talk, I felt dizzy._

_The skull-man decided he wanted a last round. So he took me as I lied there, in this weird angle, hurting me even more. When he finished he grabbed the back of my head and punched it on the ground. _

_I blacked out._

What I tell Olivia is simply how they got me and that two of them raped me vaginally and one of them orally and how I passed out. I couldn't tell her anything more. It is already hard enough to say the word _rape_.

Olivia pressed for more details, "Do you think you would recognize them?"

"The three who…raped me. I'm not sure about the fourth guy, I rarely paid attention to him."

"Did they use a condom?"

"No." I look down, swallowing hard.

"Do you remember anything special about them? Scars, birthmarks?"

"One of them had a skull tattoo right above his…thing. And the other one should have a bite mark on his'."

"Did they say something to you? Maybe something that sounded like if they'd know who you are?"

"They definitely knew that I'm a Detective. They said I was weak that I couldn't even defend myself."

I start crying. I feel like this was all my fault, going in there with no gun. I made it so easy for them to overpower me.

Olivia gently touches my arm and tries to calm me: "It's okay. I know you don't believe it now but it gonna get better."

After I caught my breath she continues,

"Okay, so I would say you sit down with a sketch artist to describe the faces and then you should describe the tattoo."

"Yeah, just give me a minute, okay?" I say trying to wipe my tears away.

Olivia is about to leave the room but I remember something I want to know.

"Who found me? The first thing I remember is being in the ambulance."

"A homeless woman did. She called 911. The paramedics said that you were in that alley for a while, measured on your temperature. "

Lucky for me that this homeless lady came by.

As soon as I feel stable again I leave the room. Rafael immediately jumps up off his seat and looks at me, checking. I mouth "sketch artist" to him and go, leaving him behind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks a lot for all the reviews, I appreciate them a lot!**

Third Chapter

_Part I_

On the way home they stop at Amanda's place to pick up some clothes. She doesn't look at the alley next to her building, she just rushes in.

Once she returns to the car, she wants to know what Rafael had found out about the case while she was talking to Olivia.

"Apparently, I'm not the ADA on the case but Cragen somehow managed that at least your squad can work on it. They also put a rush on the rape kit." Rafael explains.

Amanda nods and yawns, she feels as exhausted as if she just had run a marathon.

The rest of the weekend is quiet. Amanda mainly sleeps, showers and eats.

Rafael tries to make everything as pleasant as possible for her but it's hard. He catches himself tiptoeing around Amanda and treating her like she's broken.

He knows it's something he shouldn't do because it would bother her deeply.

Maybe that is the reason why she has become quieter and withdrawn because she wants to pretend more and more to be alright.

She forces herself to smile, forces herself not to flinch and forces herself to ignore her body.

Amanda has become a master at blocking out memories of her assault.

Rafael tries different things to get through to her; he tries to talk to her, tries to comfort her and he tries to act like before the attack- and be his usual sassy and sarcastic self. But even that only makes her slightly smile.

He feels so helpless and it's breaking his heart to see Amanda like this so he plans to talk to Olivia on Monday to get some advice.

On Sunday night, Amanda is woken up by her first nightmare. She starts thrashing violently. Her screams startle Rafael and wakes him up. He grabs her wrist to stop her from punching him and hurting herself. She begins to fight harder even though she is still locked in her dream.

"Ssshhh, Amanda, wake up! You are just dreaming! It's me, Rafael! It's okay." he says.

Slowly, Amanda comes back to reality and blinks confused. She breathes heavily.

Rafael moves closer to her again and starts rubbing her back.

"It's alright. I'm here…It was just a dream." he tries to calm her down.

"They were pinning me down…I couldn't breathe and move…," she stammers still in shock.

Rafael gently pulls her to his chest and strokes her softly her hair.

For the rest of the night she lies wide awake listening to his calming heartbeat.

As Rafael exits the shower the next morning, he looks into Amanda's eyes. He studies her face and declares that he can take the day off.

"Nah, I'm fine," she answers, "You really need to catch up with your work."

He knows she is right; so he looks for matching suspenders to his tie and socks and gets ready for work.

Kissing her on the forehead, he tells her to call anytime when she needed him and leaves with an encouraging smile.

Amanda is all alone now. It feels good. It is a little easier, because she doesn't have to pretend to be okay all the time.

She steps out on the balcony and thinks about smoking a cigarette. In the past, she only felt the need to smoke when she was gambling but today it feels like the right thing to do.

As she grabs her lighter, which is lying on the railing, her look wanders down the street.

And there he stands, looking up to her, grinning as he realized she sees him.

Amanda drops the lighter and freezes.

_Part II_

For a couple of seconds I just stand there, unable to do anything.

As he turns around to leave, I shake off my freezing and rush inside. Shaking, I grab my phone and dial Olivia's number.

Before she can say anything I start, "Liv, he was here! One of my attackers, he was right in front of Rafael's apartment and he saw me!"

"I'm on my way", she replies hanging up, not wasting any time.

Restless, I walk room to room. My heart is beating hard.

Only fifteen minutes later somebody knocks on the door.

"Who is it?" I cautiously ask.

"It's me and Nick." Olivia answers.

I let them in and immediately walk them on the balcony. I point to the spot where I saw him.

I try to tell them every detail about his appearance; what he was wearing and how he looked up to me. I feel like I'm babbling.

"Hold up for a moment. So you are sure he was watching you and not just randomly passing by?" Nick asks.

"Are you kidding? He was STARING at me, relaxed standing there and smoking, does that seem random to you?" I respond angrily.

I can't believe he thinks it could be a coincidence.

"Hold on. He smoked?" Olivia asks, exchanging a look with Nick.

Now I realize. Immediately, I grab my coat and shoes and go down with them to the exact spot he stood.

And there it was- a pile of cigarette butts, indicating that he was standing here for a long time.

Nick puts them in a little evidence bag and mumbles "Hopefully we have more luck with those."

I narrow my eyes and stare at Olivia.

"Which attacker did you see, Amanda? It's very important." she asks, ignoring Nick's comment.

"It was the one I bit."

"That is good news," Olivia explains now, "Because we didn't get a match for the two DNA samples of the other men. And we didn't have DNA from the guy that orally assaulted you and the one who just helped. Now we can test the third guy."

That hit me hard, that they don't really have a lead. I don't even want to think about what happens if the DNA from the butts isn't a match either.

Suddenly I feel uncertain and notice people looking at me. Right, I still have bruises. I want to go back inside the apartment but the thought of being watched makes me feel sick.

"I'll come with you to the precinct" I decide.

"Do you think that is a good idea?" Nick's voice is ripe with doubt.

I just glare at him, gritting my teeth to avoid saying something mean. He really gets on my nerves.

Back at the precinct, Cragen comes to me as soon as he sees me.

"You look better! How are you holding up?" he asks me concerned.

"Well," I answer with a little grin "I wish everyone would stop asking me this. Where's Fin?"

"Questioning potential witnesses. Okay, if you need anything you know where to find me," He says and disappears in his office.

I grab a cup of coffee and head to the locker room to call Rafael.

He picks up after the first ring.

"Everything alright?"

"Yes," I sigh, "It's just…I saw one of my attackers. He was watching the apartment. Olivia and Nick got his DNA from cigarette butts he left behind."

"He was watching the apartment? How did he find you?"

"We have no idea yet. But it's pretty obvious now that they want to scare me, so I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the job."

"Probably. Where are you now?"

"At the precinct."

"I'll pick you up when I'm finished. I don't want you to be at the apartment alone."

"He knows that I saw him. He won't come back unless he is a total idiot," I say but I secretly don't want to be there alone either.

"Still... stay there. I see you later," he demands.

Even though it scared me being watched by my rapist I feel a lot better after that conversation. Rafael sounded so normal, so matter of fact- not like I'm broken.

In the late afternoon, Rafael picks me up as promised. The hours go by slowly. Since I'm not allowed to hear anything about the case, I had nothing to do.

I know the squad was expecting the lab results back this evening so I can't calm down at home. Rafael senses my nervousness and tries to distract me by telling me about his current case, but I barely listen. I go check the window again but it's too dark now to see if anyone is standing on the street below.

We get ready for bed early but I'm still too restless to sleep. I turn on the TV, watching the news without paying attention.

When my phone rings I jump. I answer it immediately as I see Olivia's number.

"We got him, Amanda! The DNA on the cigarettes was a match!"

Shaking, I can't even respond, I just look stunned to Rafael who watches me hopefully.

"They got a match," I whisper to him who pulls me in his embrace.

I know that the real battle will begin now.

**To be honest, I'm not really happy with this chapter and I rewrote it a lot. But it was necessary to go further in the story how I imagined it. Next chapter won't take so long!**


	4. Chapter 4

Fourth Chapter 

_Part I_

After a night with almost no sleep, Amanda is so twitchy that she couldn't even sit down for breakfast. Today they will bring in the suspect for a line up and while Amanda is worried about being so close to him again, Rafael has other worries. He barely notices Amanda's nervousness. He has serious concern over how weak the case is. Any defense attorney could argue whether the cigarette butts are admissible evidence or not. He can almost hear the arguments to bury the case. Anyone could have left those butts. She wasn't even close enough to identify him. She just projected her fear on a random man. And so on. Rafael feels sick thinking about it. But he knows that doubt isn't something Amanda needs right now, so he brings his attention back to her and gives her a smile.

"Everything will be fine. You ID him, you're out of there, done. Then they interview him and because he's dumb enough to attack a detective he will give out the names of the other men easily too," he reassures her. Amanda just turns around and grabs her stuff, ready to leave.

Since Rafael has to be in court today, he just drops her off at the precinct. He can't think of anything encouraging to say after she brushed him off earlier that morning.

Every step closer to the squad room Amanda braces herself until she feels numb enough to go through with it. The last thing she wants to do is showing any weakness. It was her battle to win.

As she walks in, Olivia immediately comes to her, instructing Amanda what's going to happen. "I'm sorry, it's protocol to do that even though you know all of it. Are you ready?" Amanda nods and they enter the room where the ADA and the defense attorney are already waiting. She doesn't recognize the ADA and guesses they just got somebody entirely neutral.

The room for the line up behind the glass is still empty so Amanda tries to focus on ignoring the defense lawyer, who watches every gesture and glance between the two detectives, trying to catch them on cheating. But Amanda just closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. She tries to remember all the painful memories of this man as best as she can.

Then the men come in. Number one and two look so different that it is ridiculous, Amanda says to herself. On the first look, number four and five look so alike that Amanda panics for a moment, thinking that she's unable to do it. "Take your time," the ADA says and the defense lawyer watches them even sharper now, but doesn't say anything. Amanda focuses on their faces and sees now that also the last two are quite different in their expressions. Not able to look at her attacker any longer, she turns and tells them "It's number five. That's the man who assaulted me."

Even though Amanda is sure that she identified the right guy, she is relieved seeing the happy expression on Olivia's face. The thought of how hard Olivia and Nick are going to go after him during the investigation, comforts her. She wants to stay the day at the precinct again to immediately get notified when they get a lead to the other guys. But this time, Cragen doesn't even give in when she starts to beg him. "There's no way that you can be here when he is here. Go home. Get some rest. You look like you need it," He commends.

Rafael rushes out of the court in the evening, dialing Amanda's number. It has been a long day for him but he knows it probably has been for her too. "How did it go?" he asks tense, without a proper greeting, expecting the worst.

"Hey. I identified him, so I guess it went well…but I don't know anything else yet," she adds.

"Glad to hear that. Are you at home? I can pick up Chinese or something on my way."

"Uhm, no…I didn't want to spend the whole day in your apartment again so I went for a walk. Believe it or not, I walked around whole Central Park and all of its ponds. I walked for hours," she says smiling.

Rafael clearly hears that she is more relaxed and happier than ever in the last days. "I can pick you up. Where are you now?" he answers.

"I should be at around west 69th Street. See you in a bit."

_Part II_

The walk was exactly what I needed. The fresh air and walking cleared my mind a bit and I don't feel that restless anymore. I even noticed that it actually was great weather for days now, sun shining but not too hot yet. Back at home we settle on the couch with our Chinese food, pretending to watch the news. I already told Rafael all about the line up on the way home but he still seems nervous about something. I realize that I've been so self-focused the last days that I barely noticed how Rafael was dealing with it.

Feeling guilty about it, I try to break the ice. "What's bothering you?" I ask.

"Nothing," he answers vague. I stare at him, trying to find the truth but he just raises his eyebrows.

Sometimes it drives me nuts how closed-off he is, even though I'm the same way. I get that I should be the last person who complains about that, considering how much I talked to him the last few days. Knowing, I won't get anything out of him I turn off the TV, take a deep breath and encourage myself to do what I planned to do as I walked around the park this afternoon. To open up to him.

"Rafael…I know I was pretty closed off the last days. I just kind of needed to deal with it by myself first."

"I know. No need for apologies here," he answers surprised.

"I thought if I just would ignore it, I would forget it. I know that this is ridiculous."

"That's not ridiculous, I guess this is pretty normal. You don't have to explain yourself."

"But I want to. I want you to know how I feel and what exactly happened and how you make me feel and just everything. I'm tired of pretending nothing happened around you and I'm tired of keeping my feelings to myself," I say, trying to hold back my tears.

"Go on. I'm listening," he whispers, squeezing my hand in comfort.

"You want to know what the worst thing is? It is not feeling of being dirty all the time, it is not even the guilt. It is the shame. I barely can look anyone in the eyes because I'm so ashamed," I admit, fighting tears.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," he reassures me, stroking gently my palm with his thumb.

"I know that these feelings aren't rational. But I can't do anything against it. Like when I flinch when you touch me. I want to be held by you but every time I think about the hands of my rapists in that first moment. Then I can feel their touches on my skin again and how they hurt me. And they hurt me so bad, Rafael. I wanted to die while lying under them." I stop speaking because I'm about to cry.

Of course Rafael is uncertain now if he can hug me to comfort me. So I come closer and bury my face in his chest. He slowly pulls his arms around me and I don't even flinch. I never thought that I actually could tell him all that, so I'm a little proud of myself. It feels good to tell him. But I also know that it hurts him to hear how I suffer. He tries to seem strong but he is devastated. I know him well enough to see that.

"So. Now I told you a bit about my feelings, now it's your turn," I declare, sitting up again.

"Well…I'm not good in opening up but here we go...I'm always afraid that I say or do something wrong around you. I just wasn't sure what you needed," he starts, swallowing hard.

"Don't worry, you're doing everything right," I reassure him.

"And…I also didn't tell you that I was on my way to the squad to secretly read your statement yesterday. But then I thought I couldn't handle it and turned around."

"I'm not sure either if that would be a good idea." Frowning I watch him. I sense that all this wasn't the reason why he seems a little nervous all evening. He sees my glance and sighs.

"Amanda…it's just…I'm not sure if this case will work like that. The only evidence could be inadmissible," he admits slowly.

That is a shock. If he doesn't believe in my case, who would? I press my lips hard together and quickly get up from the couch.

"No, Amanda, wait!" he calls to me but I'm already on my way to the bathroom and lock myself in there.

"Listen, I don't even know all the evidence. I have no idea what else they have. Maybe I'm totally wrong," he tries, shouting through the door.

But I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and bury my face in my hands, shaking. I felt so confident this afternoon, like I had a chance that everything could be alright one day. But who am I kidding, I was raped four nights ago; I'm never going to be alright again. It's pitiable how proud I was of myself that I was able to talk to Rafael. I'm just pathetic.

**I didn't plan to end it sad like that. It just went there during the writing. **

**Thanks to everybody who sticks to my sad and heavy story!**


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